basically,

-i'm just doing what i have to do to get by.

-i feel more jealous than proud.

-i let things get to me.

-i don't mind paying my dues as long as i get what i was promised.

-i lose interest before they've even had a chance to impress me.

- i don't like who i became, i can't remember who i was... it is time to be someone better.

-i am over making mistakes to learn from. i am ready to use that knowledge.

for those of you who know me well... you have heard the story.

for those of you who have not:

at the age of 14 we sat in the quad, on metal benches and talked of death. in my usual fashion, i told everyone i knew when i was going to die. it began as a joke... but then i felt they really believed me so i told them i have always known it. i would die at the age of 23. most likely, a freak accident of sorts. 

now ... i have never stopped telling people this. my own mother has heard me say it. jenna knows, she was one of the first to hear it. sarah knows. past loves know. many friends know. so.....

i'm 23 now. just four days into it. 

i've changed my mind. i don't want to die at 23. well.. i never really wanted to ... it's just how the story goes. 

anyway, there are too many plans. i'm not going.

so the joke is over. 

and then wrote my lover:

I've decided tonight I'm staying alive

just kicking and screaming

I'm staying alive blood boiling and steaming

There are things far too dark to comprehend

Sleep on it one more night

One more night my sad old friend

Alive, I'm staying alive

Kicking and screaming, blood boiling and steaming

Doo do Doo do Doo do Doo do

The worst is over.

(t. kasher)