It's been a minute.

I'll try to make this perfectly clear. I am so reflective - I am a mirror. 

Within three weeks there have been at least 5 reasons to cause mayhem by means of celebration. ... and one more to come.

It feels so good to have everyone back in the city. Though I am the newest addition to this strange family... we share the same home. And having everyone home is good. "So good!" (in Alex voice) Though, with every face that has returned I am still waiting to see one. 

I cannot wait for the day it is time to go pick up Sarah at the airport. 

The joys I see come from my friends when their dearest is giving them that "welcome home hug" leave me aching with loneliness. 

soon enough.... welcome home hugs are going to be great.

More happiness when I can go to work and smell soap rather than fold more clothes. As always, I have found things I really enjoy about my job now that I am leaving. But no matter what I like about this place... it won't be a place I enjoy spending my time. These three things are key reasons I am looking forward to Body Time: 1. working for a company whose methods I agree with. 2. working for a company I feel I am personally invested in and have a responsibility to. 3. a company owned and ran by really smart women. (think about it... everyone I worked with was such a god damn smart woman. body time babes are fuckin rad chicks. there is our one guy, Martin. The only guy who could fit in this crowd of women is the best and never to be left out.) I didn't think the feminist part of me found this last one so important... and I can't really put my finger on what exactly makes it different... Simply the sexes are different... and I feel safer around my own. Though, simplicity never fully explains anything. 

point is, this is going to be good.

I get the whole damn bay in the New Year.

I get to spend half my time in Oakland and the other half in the city. 

I feel like keeping busy is what I need right now. I need to feel a part of something real again. Everything has become so face-valued. It makes me feel lost, like my heart isn't in anything I do so it is just floating along.

I'll try to make this perfectly clear. I am so transparent - I disappear.

basically,

-i'm just doing what i have to do to get by.

-i feel more jealous than proud.

-i let things get to me.

-i don't mind paying my dues as long as i get what i was promised.

-i lose interest before they've even had a chance to impress me.

- i don't like who i became, i can't remember who i was... it is time to be someone better.

-i am over making mistakes to learn from. i am ready to use that knowledge.

for those of you who know me well... you have heard the story.

for those of you who have not:

at the age of 14 we sat in the quad, on metal benches and talked of death. in my usual fashion, i told everyone i knew when i was going to die. it began as a joke... but then i felt they really believed me so i told them i have always known it. i would die at the age of 23. most likely, a freak accident of sorts. 

now ... i have never stopped telling people this. my own mother has heard me say it. jenna knows, she was one of the first to hear it. sarah knows. past loves know. many friends know. so.....

i'm 23 now. just four days into it. 

i've changed my mind. i don't want to die at 23. well.. i never really wanted to ... it's just how the story goes. 

anyway, there are too many plans. i'm not going.

so the joke is over. 

and then wrote my lover:

I've decided tonight I'm staying alive

just kicking and screaming

I'm staying alive blood boiling and steaming

There are things far too dark to comprehend

Sleep on it one more night

One more night my sad old friend

Alive, I'm staying alive

Kicking and screaming, blood boiling and steaming

Doo do Doo do Doo do Doo do

The worst is over.

(t. kasher)

dance show time

For the past four months I have been dreading this dance show. I hated getting up at 7.30 (sometimes 6.30) to get to class/rehearsal twice a week. A number of times I felt like I am not a dancer anymore and it is something better left in my past. But I still went every time and I did every assignment.

The show was my final for my Dance Composition class. A class designed to teach specific techniques for choreography. Our final assignment was to choreograph a dance and teach it to other people to perform in the show. Or you could do a solo or you could opt out and write a 15 page research paper on the choreographer of your choice. The day we picked dancers to be in our dances I missed class.  I had received the news of Shevaun's death the day before and I was also in the middle of a lot of other things and not in the right state of mind to go to class that Thursday. The next Tuesday I walked into class and everyone was working in small groups and I realized I was totally screwed. There is also a rule that no one can be in more than 3 pieces including their own. Luana (the class' instructor) called role and when she came to me she asked if I had my dancers. I replied 'no' she replied... you have 5 minutes to figure it out and asked everyone who was not already in 3 pieces to raise their hands. I looked at the 4 people who had their hands in the air and sighed to myself.. because honestly these 4 people were the last 4 people for a reason. class began and I went to talk to Luana. I explained to her that I wasn't in class the other day because I had just received the news of a friend passing, and I began to cry. The first time I cried over Shevaun's death. I do this when people die... it doesn't become real until I have to say it out loud. So, through my tears and sobs I also explained to Luana that I also manage a retail store and around the time of the show will be the beginning of the holiday rush, and that I don't have the time to meet with people for rehearsals, and that I would prefer to write the research paper. She calmed me down and told me, in such a dance instructor's way, to use my grief to choreograph a solo. Out loud I said 'okay', on the inside I began to freak out even more. A solo?! I have not performed a solo in 6 years... I have not been in a show in 5. How the hell was I supposed to do this?

For the next four weeks the class worked on their dances. They were "due" Nov 25. I spent every class working in the duet I was asked to be in ... and the embarrassing story-telling/theatrical dance I was asked to be in. I spent no time choreographing my solo because every time I started I would get stuck and frustrated. I felt so much pressure. Then on November 24... Cambo was in town... and he got me stoned after work. I went to my room and turned on the song I chose for my piece and all of a sudden the pressure was gone and I made it up in five minutes in the a tiny space in my bedroom. I took Luana's advice and used my grief. But I used my grief over a lot of people I have lost. For the eternal loss of Shevaun, of Chris, of Eric.... for the short term loss of Sarah.... for the heartbroken loss of Drew. etc. The theme... letting go.

Somehow I pulled it off and though it needed a bit of tweaking.. Luana loved my solo and even said she could tell it was "well rehearsed" ha! I'm a fucking natural. 

The class spent the next two week perfecting our dances and getting costumes together. Up until just a few hours before show time.

I never felt excitement until after we finished our final dress rehearsal yesterday morning. Though, once I got pumped I couldn't be stopped. I remembered... this is why I dance. The performance. 

Being backstage is almost as good as being on stage. Everyone is together, excited, getting their costumes on, putting there makeup on, playing nerve calming games. For months we were all just people who we took a dance class with. But on show night... we are family. We have all fallen and succeeded and grown in front of each other so many times .. and it was all for this one night. We were all so proud of each other and ourselves. And the seats filled up... they filled up so much that after the second dance we had to stop the show to reseat people.

It felt so good to know Alex, Arseniy, Eric, Sadie, Jenna and Dave were all in the audience just as pumped as I was. 

After the show I couldn't believe it was over. All that time spent worrying, stressing, rehearsing.. and it is done. Makes me want to keep doing this. Keep dancing. Keep performing. It is an amazing feeling. and I am still high from it.

After the show... Jenna and Dave returned to the Easy Bay. Shrader House went to In-and-Out in proper post-show fashion. 

It was perfect. 

This Day

-slept in a bit

-received call from jess to talk some specifics about Body Time. for those of you who have not heard the news... I am returning to Body Time to manage Rockridge... and I could not be more excited!

-breakfast for one at Pork Store at the counter.

   *toasted and buttered english muffin

   *3 vegetarian sausage patties

   *half of an avocado

   *hashbrowns

   *coffee

      -take one half of the english muffin and smoosh avocado on it. drizzle enough syrup to cover the avocado but not too much to make it messy or too sweet. place veggie sausage on top. eat open face. so good! 

-walk around the pan handle to kill time

-wander a book store to kill more time

-arrive at work and receive a phone call from Sarah!

   *first time we have talked with voices since she left. she sounded different than i remembered... but she laughed the same and told stories the same way. i miss her so.

-work was chill. mondays are nice because i have banking and stuff to do, so i get in at 1 but i don't really start working until around 4. 

-cambo stopped by for a quick visit

-aaron glass walked in. i looked up from the counter and said "hi!" because i recognized him immediately. he said "hello" back, but as if i were just an enthusiastic girl who worked there. i said "hi" again and he looked confused but then looked at me closer and said unsurely... "i know you..." then i said "katie!' and all of a sudden he was in shock. couldn't believe he didn't recognize me. we jut saw each other a few months ago... i can't look that different.

-sadie locked herself out of the house and came to fetch my keys

-basically hung out with kenny until closing.

-around 7.50 went to the store to get snacks for the staff meeting announcing Meghan will be leaving for three weeks to open our second store in LA

-came home curious to what sadie "did"... then i saw the clean bathroom... especially the shower curtains. thanks lovey head!

-now i chill.. wish i had a joint.... tomorrow i must get up at 6.30 to go to the second to last dance rehearsal before our show on thursday.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

party, show, show, show, show

Wednesday day was a drugged adventure with Jenna wandering the city and feeling good and having love. We met up with Carrie smoked a bit and walked around downtown and Union Square... watching ice skaters and looking at christmas displays. The three of us then met up with Brett and some of the guys from NOFX at the studio. Carrie and Brett dropped off Jenna and I at Underground SF where Alex and Dustin were DJing at their monthly party "West Addy". It was a long night afterward... when everyone came back to our house.... and into my bed.

Thursday night. I went to meet up with Bean and Ken Doll their co-worker and her girlfrined at Hotel Utah to see Agent Ribbons. Bean invited me earlier in the day so .. I checked out their songs on myspace... and I basically fell in love. They are a two-piece girl band. And they fucking rock out so hard. I found a new favorite.

Friday night the city came to Berkeley. Alex (ander Spit) opened up for MURS at The Downlow on Shattuck. We all piled into a few cars and made our way over the bridge to my old neighborhood. As usual Alex killed it on stage and probably gained a few more fans... and a few more girls fell in love with him.

Saturday night I was Aram's backup girl to Low vs. Diamond. Besides the song he had showed me a few months ago I had never heard of them. After forty minutes of trying to find parking (at a venue it would have taken twenty minutes to walk to from my house) we finally got there. The first band was finishing up as we started the first round of drinks. The second opening band, Barcelona, won me over completely when they covered 'One is the Loneliest Number' We only stayed for about 30 minutes of Low vs. Diamond however because there was a party to get to before midnight. Of what I saw of the band I was impressed. I ended up cabbing it home as Aram went to his party. The three previous nights had me exhausted and it was about to turn midnight... my carriage almost turned back into a pumpkin.

Today, Sunday, at work... we had a book signing (Matt Leines) and a show. Yeah yeah I was at work... and I was actually on my lunch break for part of the show. But it still counts in the tally of 4 shows in 4 days. Lots of hanging out and beer drinking and music at RVCA today.

... My point? I'm tired. ... and a little distraught that I am not going to a show of any sort tomorrow. What will I do without live music???

help.

the gift of music.

Bean and I had the best idea the other day while we were wandering the city and found ourselves in a record shop. I found a Bob Dylan double tape set and A Big Brother and the Holding Company record I've been wanting. Jenna found a Clash record she has been wanting. 

Since the two of us are extremely broke this Christmas season.. neither of us can really afford gifts for anyone. So, we made this deal. We each paid for the things we wanted for ourselves... but they are FROM each other. This way we both got things we have wanted and that will bring happiness to our lives ... and we don't have to worry about buying each other anything or feel guilty for not getting each other something. It's the thought of knowing we wanted to get these for each other. 

Yes, we realize we both spent the same amount of money... and we could have paid for each other's ... but this just felt nicer. 

It's nice to buy things for yourself from other people.

remind me to get some blueberries on the way back

i think there needs to be an activity for non-smokers to do while out drinking with their smoker friends. often i find myself at a bar/club/party outside with nothing to do. many of my friends smoke and it seems really nice. time to yourself... time for your thoughts... breathing in and out. but i don't ... and can't... smoke. so, what do i do? sometimes, i would like to take a break to go be outside for a few minutes by myself... but standing alone and staring off into space gives others the impression that there is "something wrong." if i had a cigarette in my hand no one would make this assumption. i've thought about rolling joints instead. smoking a jay while my friends smoke their cigarettes would be nice.. .though with how these boys smoke ... i'd be high all the time. ALL THE TIME. yeah... so then i thought about yo-yos or ball-and-cup ... but then i thought these aren't the same as going out for a smoke. i could be that person that goes outside and checks their cellphone... for nothing. but pretending to do something is still not the same. i need an activity that i can do alone or in a circle. i have no idea what it is. any help would be greatly appreciated. thanks.

big day tomorrow

something tilted today

released

it all came to me

and i could move

someday, finally.

i have this journal.

i use it for a small number of things.

doodles.

money.

reminders.

most of all...

thoughts  i have about you.

the longer i've owned it

the more it has become filled 

with the latter.

i guess, when i die

you can have it.

then you will know 

all the wonderful things 

i think about you.

terrified

i am performing a solo in less than a month.

i will not say where

i will not say when

just know...

i'm terrified.

i haven't found the confidence for this yet.

but i can't back out now.

fuck.

gifts and things

dating is weird and awkward. but so fun. i guess that's why we do it. 

i think it is safe to say we all meet more creepers, losers and assholes way more often than we meet someone "normal". forget about falling in love... it's super rare... like an endangered animal. i mean just meeting someone you get along with and is on the same level as you... that alone is hard to find. 

the courting part of dating is the fun part.. unless you are not interested in the person then it becomes awkward. just keep in mind the act is not what is weird it is always the person. 

my example:

because tahoe boy... well lives in tahoe... we've started writing letters. actual letters sent by mail. it started as something silly.. but it has been a really awesome and new and slow paced way to get to know someone... and i find myself giggling and gushing over his words. 

about a week ago i reluctantly met a guy for drinks...we know each other through someone else... and i've been playing the avoidance game for a while... i figured i could go out with him this one time and by the end of the night he would get the hint and back off. i was so wrong. apparently i was a hit. he showed up at my work a few days ago with not only a mix tape he had made for me. (yes tape not cd... something that takes time and thought).... but he also went out and found a walkman so that i could listen to the tape.... and to top it off he painted it and painted an owl on it because of my owl tattoo. hmmmm. 

remember though it's not the act. if tahoe boy had done the whole mix tape owl painting thing i would have been stoked and if guy #2 sent me letters i just might quit my job and move to another neighborhood.

dating. so risky.

i am in love

with alex, arseniy, dustin and eric. 

In the time I was in dance class (actually 3 classes today for some crazy reason) took a nap and talked to Jordan on Skype... they transformed our house into a home. The living room is now set up to actually have people over and not feel crammed. This is partially my fault. After I moved out of the nook i never rearranged the living room as i said i would. They cleaned out the hall closet's random garbage and broken things. and the biggest job... we have this extra room known as Mochi's room or the cat's room or the garbage room. it holds the litter boxes, cat food, and piles of garbage ... especially old pizza boxes. the boys cleaned it out and put together a tiny hang out room for movies.... or drunk crashers. complete with the extra chair, futon, and a tv..... christmas lights and candles. 

good work boys. 

these bitches (katie and sadie) be proud of you.

weekend in the middle of the week

It is already 11am and I haven't left my bed. The world is grey outside my window and she is telling me to stay snuggled up. Wednesdays have become my Sundays... lazy sleepy recovery days. Gretta agrees. He just walked up to me and snuggled my shoulder and kissed my face. 

Also, my fabulous new bed is hard to leave. 

Yesterday i had lunch with Bill and Lizzie. Bill had brought a surprise from my mom.. .a new quilt and sheets and pillow cases. Now my bed is a warm cuddle haven. I wish to stay lost in the sheets.

Yesterday, after dance class and lunch with Bill and Liz, Sonia and I went to Richmond to visit Kristin and new baby Keller. I am always so amazed at how Kristin does it. She is such a wonderful mom and her two boys love her so much. And all the while she remains completely beautiful. It was nice to slow it down and visit and simply be entertained by Kerry.

When Sonia dropped me off at my house Dustin and Alex were waiting outside for a cab with all Alex's equipment for his show. If you have never seen Alex perform a show solo... you should come to the next one. He is live... for real. not only does he make all his own beats but he brings in a few keyboards and this time even a snare drum and crash symbol. He's up on stage running around playing all these instruments and rapping on top of it. Afterwards I said something to him like: you know living with you I hear all these randoms beats and noises all day long. And it's just noise. But when you are up there and it all comes together it's fucking beautiful.

Way impressive. My camera died while I was recording his first song... or maybe the second. which really bums me out because there were some awesome moments I wish I could has captured at least with a photo.

Here's what I did catch.

and while I am putting up videos enjoy this champagne cork popping by Arseniy on November 4, 2008! Obama!

<

Vacation with Jenna Bean

Work was slow Friday. As soon as I decided to leave at 3 I texted Jenna asking her to come to the city and hang with me for the night. Beer was consumed and pool was played. Jenna had the brilliant idea for me to spend the night at her house since we were both going to Kristin Schuetze's (now Snelson) wedding ... and I don't have a car and we were going to have to arrange her picking me up at BART anyway. 

we had the idea to have an Exhilarating, Entertaining, Exciting, Emotional, Extrordinary, Earthy, Excellent, Enlightened night.

stopped at Rocco's for a beer

Then went to visit Jenny. For a few hours it was like we all were with Sarah. Jenna and I each picked seashells Sarah had mailed Jenny from Greece.

Jenny gave us some greens to help us out later.

At Jenna's house we stayed up talking and laughing and making little nests in every room of Jenna's house.

We watched astronauts. real live ones!

All night I kept saying: "I am so glad THIS is what I am doing right now" (slightly referring to another option that I could have been doing if I were the same girl I was earlier this year)

We did not sleep. Or.. our bodies slept... but not our minds.

The next morning was the wedding.

We got all dressed and were off to Tilden.

Of course, we got there right as Kristin was walking down the aisle.

The ceremony was beautiful ... their vows were true.

We were still feeling great from the night before, and being around so many good people and old friends was perfect.

We ate great food, drank lots of wine, danced danced danced, and laughed so much. 

After the wedding we cleaned up the house and dozed in and out of naps for a few hours. After we came to... I was feeling the aftermath of all the fun I'd had. The idea of getting on BART was not an appealing one. So I stayed at Jenna's for a second night.

The entire weekend everything was perfect and I was doing exactly what I wanted to. Also, I haven't spent that much time with Jenna since we lived together. We needed it. Neither of us were interrupted by work, or school, or boys, or other friends. It was like we were in another place on vacation... staying in a nice hotel, going to a fabulous party, expanding our minds and hearts. Oh! it was great! Only wish Sarah was there too.

I am so happy for Kristin and Ian. Here is what I over heard Sonja saying to her fiance (they be gettin hitched next weekend!) about the Snelsons

S: If you are gonna have someone worship you for the rest of your life, he's a good man to be the one doing it. And she is extremely worship worthy.

 

Ian was the cutest thing I have ever seen. He was more giddy and smiley than Kristin. So happy.

I feel refreshed.

xo.