big day tomorrow

something tilted today

released

it all came to me

and i could move

someday, finally.

i have this journal.

i use it for a small number of things.

doodles.

money.

reminders.

most of all...

thoughts  i have about you.

the longer i've owned it

the more it has become filled 

with the latter.

i guess, when i die

you can have it.

then you will know 

all the wonderful things 

i think about you.

terrified

i am performing a solo in less than a month.

i will not say where

i will not say when

just know...

i'm terrified.

i haven't found the confidence for this yet.

but i can't back out now.

fuck.

gifts and things

dating is weird and awkward. but so fun. i guess that's why we do it. 

i think it is safe to say we all meet more creepers, losers and assholes way more often than we meet someone "normal". forget about falling in love... it's super rare... like an endangered animal. i mean just meeting someone you get along with and is on the same level as you... that alone is hard to find. 

the courting part of dating is the fun part.. unless you are not interested in the person then it becomes awkward. just keep in mind the act is not what is weird it is always the person. 

my example:

because tahoe boy... well lives in tahoe... we've started writing letters. actual letters sent by mail. it started as something silly.. but it has been a really awesome and new and slow paced way to get to know someone... and i find myself giggling and gushing over his words. 

about a week ago i reluctantly met a guy for drinks...we know each other through someone else... and i've been playing the avoidance game for a while... i figured i could go out with him this one time and by the end of the night he would get the hint and back off. i was so wrong. apparently i was a hit. he showed up at my work a few days ago with not only a mix tape he had made for me. (yes tape not cd... something that takes time and thought).... but he also went out and found a walkman so that i could listen to the tape.... and to top it off he painted it and painted an owl on it because of my owl tattoo. hmmmm. 

remember though it's not the act. if tahoe boy had done the whole mix tape owl painting thing i would have been stoked and if guy #2 sent me letters i just might quit my job and move to another neighborhood.

dating. so risky.

i am in love

with alex, arseniy, dustin and eric. 

In the time I was in dance class (actually 3 classes today for some crazy reason) took a nap and talked to Jordan on Skype... they transformed our house into a home. The living room is now set up to actually have people over and not feel crammed. This is partially my fault. After I moved out of the nook i never rearranged the living room as i said i would. They cleaned out the hall closet's random garbage and broken things. and the biggest job... we have this extra room known as Mochi's room or the cat's room or the garbage room. it holds the litter boxes, cat food, and piles of garbage ... especially old pizza boxes. the boys cleaned it out and put together a tiny hang out room for movies.... or drunk crashers. complete with the extra chair, futon, and a tv..... christmas lights and candles. 

good work boys. 

these bitches (katie and sadie) be proud of you.

weekend in the middle of the week

It is already 11am and I haven't left my bed. The world is grey outside my window and she is telling me to stay snuggled up. Wednesdays have become my Sundays... lazy sleepy recovery days. Gretta agrees. He just walked up to me and snuggled my shoulder and kissed my face. 

Also, my fabulous new bed is hard to leave. 

Yesterday i had lunch with Bill and Lizzie. Bill had brought a surprise from my mom.. .a new quilt and sheets and pillow cases. Now my bed is a warm cuddle haven. I wish to stay lost in the sheets.

Yesterday, after dance class and lunch with Bill and Liz, Sonia and I went to Richmond to visit Kristin and new baby Keller. I am always so amazed at how Kristin does it. She is such a wonderful mom and her two boys love her so much. And all the while she remains completely beautiful. It was nice to slow it down and visit and simply be entertained by Kerry.

When Sonia dropped me off at my house Dustin and Alex were waiting outside for a cab with all Alex's equipment for his show. If you have never seen Alex perform a show solo... you should come to the next one. He is live... for real. not only does he make all his own beats but he brings in a few keyboards and this time even a snare drum and crash symbol. He's up on stage running around playing all these instruments and rapping on top of it. Afterwards I said something to him like: you know living with you I hear all these randoms beats and noises all day long. And it's just noise. But when you are up there and it all comes together it's fucking beautiful.

Way impressive. My camera died while I was recording his first song... or maybe the second. which really bums me out because there were some awesome moments I wish I could has captured at least with a photo.

Here's what I did catch.

and while I am putting up videos enjoy this champagne cork popping by Arseniy on November 4, 2008! Obama!

<

Vacation with Jenna Bean

Work was slow Friday. As soon as I decided to leave at 3 I texted Jenna asking her to come to the city and hang with me for the night. Beer was consumed and pool was played. Jenna had the brilliant idea for me to spend the night at her house since we were both going to Kristin Schuetze's (now Snelson) wedding ... and I don't have a car and we were going to have to arrange her picking me up at BART anyway. 

we had the idea to have an Exhilarating, Entertaining, Exciting, Emotional, Extrordinary, Earthy, Excellent, Enlightened night.

stopped at Rocco's for a beer

Then went to visit Jenny. For a few hours it was like we all were with Sarah. Jenna and I each picked seashells Sarah had mailed Jenny from Greece.

Jenny gave us some greens to help us out later.

At Jenna's house we stayed up talking and laughing and making little nests in every room of Jenna's house.

We watched astronauts. real live ones!

All night I kept saying: "I am so glad THIS is what I am doing right now" (slightly referring to another option that I could have been doing if I were the same girl I was earlier this year)

We did not sleep. Or.. our bodies slept... but not our minds.

The next morning was the wedding.

We got all dressed and were off to Tilden.

Of course, we got there right as Kristin was walking down the aisle.

The ceremony was beautiful ... their vows were true.

We were still feeling great from the night before, and being around so many good people and old friends was perfect.

We ate great food, drank lots of wine, danced danced danced, and laughed so much. 

After the wedding we cleaned up the house and dozed in and out of naps for a few hours. After we came to... I was feeling the aftermath of all the fun I'd had. The idea of getting on BART was not an appealing one. So I stayed at Jenna's for a second night.

The entire weekend everything was perfect and I was doing exactly what I wanted to. Also, I haven't spent that much time with Jenna since we lived together. We needed it. Neither of us were interrupted by work, or school, or boys, or other friends. It was like we were in another place on vacation... staying in a nice hotel, going to a fabulous party, expanding our minds and hearts. Oh! it was great! Only wish Sarah was there too.

I am so happy for Kristin and Ian. Here is what I over heard Sonja saying to her fiance (they be gettin hitched next weekend!) about the Snelsons

S: If you are gonna have someone worship you for the rest of your life, he's a good man to be the one doing it. And she is extremely worship worthy.

 

Ian was the cutest thing I have ever seen. He was more giddy and smiley than Kristin. So happy.

I feel refreshed.

xo.