night.

couldn't sleep last night. i can remember a time in my life when i had trouble sleeping, but nothing for a long while.
i couldn't take just laying in bed wide-awake.
so i entertained self with self.
i started reading.
old journals. old blogs.
yeah.
who was i?
who am i?
fuck.
you know?

it's incredibly redundant but these 'entries' stuck out at me and i again felt that part of the past.
so i apologize.... for repeating things i've already shared. it's just interesting. some things change. some the same.

****OCTOBER 2005****
(These were to things I took out of the book A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, by Dave Eggers. I was still reading it when chris died.)

"We run back across the highway, back into the red Civic and keep driving. Past the surfers, through the eucalyptus forest before Half Moon Bay, birds swooping up and over then back, circling around us-they too, for us!-then the cliffs before Seaside-then flat for a little while, then a few more bends and can you see this motherfucking sky? I mean, have you fucking been to California?"
PG 60

"'Alcoholism and death make you omnivorous, both reckless and afraid, amoral, desperate.'
'Do you really believe that?'
'Sometimes. Sure. No. Yes'"
omitted


****DECEMBER 2005***


sooo 2005???

the year cancer won?
the year to love and be loved?
the year of new cars? (heh. sarah, jenna, jen and myself)
the year it all began?
the year it all ended?
the year of letting-go, moving-on, and growing-up?

let me know what you think. ...

Yours.



****MAY 2006****
(this was the only way i could document this memory. this 25 hour span with a rotation of the same 6 people was one of the greatest 25 hours i've ever had. I forgot all about this day. no one else sees all the things i see .... there are so many stories about this day.... but i cannot for the life of me verbalize them)

25 hours AM: speech-8 .telegraph-10. paycheck-11. PM: dogs-2. kyle-3. chris-6. coffee to the people/david-7. wine-9. burritos-10. smoke-11. AM: gilman-12. claremont-1. sleep-3. french toast-8. goodbye-9.



****JUNE 2006****
(Noah and i randomly ended up going together to see this outdoor shakespearean theater group do 'The Tempest' on/in/at the Albany Bulb. The audience followed the actors around the bulb. On the way there Noah and I shared previous bulb exploring stories)


quote of the evening
..... er.. paraphrase of the evening: "
i think i would have kids just for the reason of bringing them {to the bulb}. But i'd have to remember to keep bringing them after the age of four, otherwise they would only remember it as a dream.” 
-Noah


****JUNE 2006****
(there was a night i was stuck in awful traffic trying to get into the city... just to turn around and leave but getting stuck in even worse traffic. it took 2 hours and 40 minutes for traffic to go 2 miles. i was in my car for somewhere around 5 hours.)

one amusing thing did happen. so i'm in this traffic where people are literally getting out of their cars and getting food to bring back. so everyone's lights are on and brake lights are on. i could see silhouettes of the people in the car in front of me. and they were totally fucking.. i mean they were going at it, the car was moving, feet in the air and everything. the guy in a car next to me was like -"what are they doing in there?!" i said- "i think they're fucking" ... and then there was nothing i could do... they were right there in front of me. free porn in sf? SF traffic=1 LA traffic=0

****JULY 2006****
poet - tree:

people will talk
oh they'll talk and they've been talkin
and i'll talk too

we're worried over you, love
and all that harm you're doin to you


(end)

.... this didn't help me get to sleep any better... just gave me more thoughts.